Smokey Grey
by MockingJayFlyingFree
Summary: It's postprom, and nothing will ever be the same. MerDer, but Addie friendly.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer**: I've done extensive studies of Anatomy. Sadly, they have been on animals, and not on the Anatomy of, say, Derek Shepherd/Patrick Dempsey. So Patrick, if you want to donate your body to research, please send me an e-mail. Donating your body to research is a noble thing. Obviously, when it comes to Grey's Anatomy, I don't own any of the characters, their anatomy or anything related to the show, I wish I did, but there you go. I'm only borrowing these characters for a while. I promise to return them in more or less the same shape. Oh well, maybe not quite in the same shape. But I will return them. Because they don't belong to me. I'm only playing with them for a little while, with great admiration and respect._

_I was quite reluctant to write this story. In fact, I was determined not to, because "everyone" is writing their alternate season three at the moment, and as I've already read too many of them, I was afraid they would influence me too much, making me unable to come up with anything even resembing being original. But resistance is futile – the story demanded to be written. The characters simply wouldn't leave me alone until I did. I had no choice but to write my first fan fiction in seven years. This is my first GA fan fic, so please be gentle. Or not._

_This story starts right at the end of 227. Reviews would be greatly appreciated._

**Smokey grey**

There are times when you know. You just know.

Addison Montgomery-Shepherd knew the second her husband turned away from Meredith as she came walking behind Izzie, George and Alex.

It was in his eyes. She had seen it countless times before – not all that often in the last few years, granted, but often enough to remember.

As if it were a look one could ever forget.

Derek's eyes were a dark shade of smokey grey, his eyelids drooping slightly, his posture ever so slightly more relaxed than usual. She just hadn't recognised it right away because she hadn't expected it, it had been out of context.

He had come. Quite recently. And she sure as hell hadn't had anything to do with him coming.

She also recognised something else in him – he was feeling guilty. The combination of the two – sex and guilt – was, unfortunately, something she had seen lately. It was the way he had looked, every time, after the two of them had had sex since she came to Seattle. Not that it had been all that often. But it had happened, after all, and the look he had afterwards – his body sated after his release, but his mind (or was it his heart?) was not sated, not in any way. Several times, after he had fallen asleep, which thank God he did quickly now that he never seemed to want to hold her afterwards, she had allowed the pillow to absorb her tears and the sound of her almost-silent sobs. She had known that when he had sex with (not made love with) his wife, he felt that he cheated on someone else.

He had felt that he had cheated on Meredith. And the guilt was almost more than he could handle.

Meredith. Always Meredith. Meredith, whose hair and dress were now slightly more ruffled than they had been half an hour earlier. She didn't know what Meredith looked like post orgasm (that was right at the top of the list of Things You Don't Ask Your Husband About When He Has Actually Left Meredith To Take You Back Even Though He Doesn't Really Want To, tie with Do you really love me?), but she did recognise plenty of guilt in her face for sure. Meredith, who it was impossible to hate, because she was just as much the loser in the whole love triangle as she herself was.

Unable to stay and watch the two of them and their guilt in the aftermath of their passion, their averted eyes, she mumbled an excuse and fled the scene.

She knew. She didn't know exactly what she knew, and what it would mean to their lives, but she knew enough.


	2. Chapter 2

Smokey Grey

Part Two

_I'm playing a bit with different POVs here, and this part was suddenly in the present tense. It just worked better that way. Disclaimer in part one. It was actually surprisingly hard to write the part which took place in the last minute of the season finale – something that was already set, with people mainly just **looking** at each other. It looks good on TV, but it doesn't work quite that well when written. But it had to be included, to be able to move on. Although I have no idea **where** this story is going, I'm sure it must be going somewhere :)_

Two men. One decision.

"Well, I'll drive you home." Finn's voice is close to her ear, she can smell his aftershave, but it doesn't make her stomach go all tingly, the way she knows it should.

Why doesn't it?

She remains standing, unable to move. Looking at Derek. He turns and looks at her, his expression unreadable. Silently she is begging him to say something, although she doesn't know what she wants him to say.

-------------------

Finn turns around when he realises that Meredith isn't following him. He looks at her, and then he notices the way the two surgeons stare at each other. The intensity. His eyes meet Dr Shepherd's – and he can't tell if the older man is silently mocking him - or feeling sorry for him.

Why would Dr Shepherd feel sorry for him?

-----------------------

"Meredith?" Derek's low voice is both a caress and a command.

"Meredith?" Finn's voice is more questioning.

Poor Finn, how could she get him involved in her hopeless life? He is far too good for her. She is too messed up. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend who's a cheating whore. A mistress.

She turns around, and walks away. Walks away from both of them. Walks away from the decision, the confrontation, the responsibility. She can deal with the guilt later, and the consequences. Right now, she just doesn't have the strength.

-------------------------

Finn and Derek both stand there, looking at her as she walks down the stairs. She is leaning her head slightly forwards, her hair falls in front of her face, shielding her profile from them. She looks beaten somehow, tired. Like she is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Finn is still confused, but there is no mistaking the look Dr Shepherd gives him. It's pure alpha male. Dr Shepherd is staking his claim on Dr Meredith Grey, the challenge is obvious. The thing is, Finn didn't know that there was anything to challenge him about in the first place. Derek is married to an intelligent, sympathetic and drop-dead gorgeous woman. Their dog is dead, he put Doc to sleep himself. The nagging feeling he's had for some time now (Why do they have a dog? Together?) returns, stronger (What made Meredith so damaged? Who?). The other man is putting his right hand in the pocket of his trousers, and it looks like he is touching something in it, somewhat triumphantly.

What is in his pocket?

"Are the parties at this hospital always this eventful?" Finn asks, he doesn't really know where the question came from, it's stupid, but he had to say something.

"Yeah." Derek turns and walks away.

---------------------------------

He walks away. Addison claims that it's what he does best. Walking away. It's been his way of dealing with problems for quite some time now, and he knows this all too well. But this time, he was ready to stay. This time, it was she who walked away. But he can wait for her.

He doesn't know why he took her panties when she was getting her left shoe out from under the chair in the corner. He hid them in his pocket, and when she started rambling about where here panties were, they were interrupted – by a disapproving Dr Torres – before she had the chance to realise that he had taken them.

His hand in his pocket is closed around them. The tiny bit of black lace is like an anchor and a trophy combined. They feel slightly wet and sticky, but he doesn't know whether it's from **her**, or if it's just from his own hands, sweating profusely.

He can't go home. He can't go back to her, not tonight, he can't face her. He thinks that she knows. Or at least that she suspects. As far as Addie was concerned, they were working on their marriage, they were doing quite well. He's known this for some time, and he hasn't known if he should tell her that he wasn't sure, that he couldn't sleep at night because he was wondering in whose bed Meredith was. What she was doing. If she was with **him**. The things he could be doing to her.

And tonight, seeing them dancing together, seeing that she looked relaxed and happy in a way that she hadn't looked since, well, before Addison showed up, something in him had just snapped. She was his. He was hers. He needed to make her want **him** again. And he had. He wasn't proud of the way it had happened, but he had. Even knowing that by going after her, he would hurt her again, and hurting her was the last thing he wanted to do, but still, he went after her, he couldn't help it. Yet another thing to feel guilty about. Add it to the ever-growing list.

What it all means? He has no idea. The consequences of what the two of them have done tonight are too far-reaching, they have the potential to change the lives of a lot of people. Too many people.

He finds an empty on-call room, takes off his jacket, and falls asleep. Strangely, he doesn't dream about either of them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Part Three**

She locked the car, took a deep breath, and walked up to her house. The lights were on. Izzie, George and Alex must've come home already.

George was in the kitchen, making coffee. "Hey," he said.

"Hey." She sat down on a chair, exhausted. "Coffee? At 2 am? We're never going to get any sleep if we intoxicate our bodies with caffeine at this hour. Plus the increased glomerular filtration rate. We'll be running to the bathroom all night."

"I don't think this is a night for sleeping, Meredith."

She accepted the cup he gave her, and shuddered when she took the first sip. It was strong. She needed it. George was right.

"So what's up with you and Dr McDreamy?"

Shit.

For a split second she considered lying to him, but then she realised that George, of all people, deserved the truth. Of everything that had happened after Addison showed up and destroyed her world almost a year ago, sleeping with George – and hurting him in the worst way possible – was the one thing she regretted the most. The mindless one night stands – well, they could be filed away in a dark corner of her brain and be more or less forgotten. But the memory of his face as she started crying underneath him, it stayed.

She couldn't thank Callie enough for recognising the great man in him, and for healing him. Derek had broken her, but she had broken George.

"Did you talk to Callie?"

"Yeah. She wouldn't say anything. She was furious, though, so I know something happened. I sent her to find you, and she came back pissed. And when you showed up, you looked... guilty."

She took a deep breath. "I slept with him tonight. I slept with Derek. In an exam room."

He sat down next to her. "Oh, Mere..."

"I know. Stupid. He's just going to break my heart again, isn't he? Isn't he, George?" He didn't answer, and she realised that Derek was the only person who could answer that question. George was too good a friend to say anything. "He just kept **looking** at me. I ran away, and he wouldn't let me leave. He followed me. And then we..." A thought suddenly occurred to her, something she should've thought about hours ago. "Shit. No condom."

"Huh?"

She finished her cup of coffee, and closed her eyes. "I'm not on the pill. Makes me gain weight like crazy. That's the reason Derek called us condom ads once. We weren't exactly ads tonight, though." She groaned. "Perfect. Getting knocked up by Dr McDreamy is **so** not what I need right now." She looked up, and George was looking quite uncomfortable. "Sorry, too many details. I keep forgetting you're... George."

"Perhaps you should have this conversation with Cristina, it's more of a girl thing..." He murmured, and she couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah." She paused, and her smile faded. "How's Izzie?"

Finally, George looked up. "You know that look some patients get? When they have given up on life. Especially children. When they are just waiting to die?" She nodded. "That's how she looks."

"Is Alex..."

"Yeah, he's with her."

"Do you think I should go up and see her? Or is it better if I leave her with him?"

George hesitated. "Go up to her. The worst thing she can do, is send you away."

"Yeah." She got up, put the cup in the dishwasher. "Thanks for everything, George." She gave him a hug from behind. "You're a rock. You're everyone's rock."

----------------------

She stood outside Izzie's door, listening. Not a sound. Not one single sob, or any words of comfort from Alex. She knocked hesitantly on the door. "Izzie?"

No answer.

"Izzie? Can I come in?"

Suddenly, the door opened. She hadn't even heard Alex walking up to the door. He was barefoot, the first few buttons of his shirt open, and he had this look on his face... The look of a man who knows what pain is. "Hi."

She followed him into Izzie's room. It was almost dark, only one lamp was on in the corner. Izzie lay on the bed, still in her pink dress. She was curled up in fetal position, lying with her face away from the door.

"Izzie?"

No answer.

"She doesn't really talk much."

"Oh." Meredith walked up to the bed, sitting down next to Izzie. She wasn't crying. Meredith had expected tears, even rage. But the way Izzie's eyes simply seemed devoid of life, was much more difficult to handle. "Izzie honey, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for..." She couldn't continue.

"I killed him," Izzie whispered. "I cut the LVAD wire. I never should've cut it. He could've lived for years without the transplant. It wasn't really **his** heart, you know. It was wrong, and Denny knew it was wrong too, but I talked him into it. He did it for me. I lied to get him the heart because I was so afraid of losing him. And then I lost him anyway. Denny dying... This is my punishment."

"No, you know that's not true!" Izzie's eyes were dry, but Meredith had started crying. "Stop talking like that! It's not your fault. You gave him the chance to live a real life. A life outside the hospital, the life he wanted. You gave him hope. He died a happy man, thinking he'd spend the rest of his life – his healthy, happy life – with you. That's a big thing, Izzie."

"I killed him."

George was right, Meredith realised. This was not a night for sleeping.


	4. Chapter 4

**Part four**

Addison hadn't been surprised when Derek didn't come home after the prom. She didn't know where he was – although she had a feeling that not knowing was better than the confirmation that he was at Meredith's. She had tried calling him, but he'd switched off his phone. She had left five messages on his voicemail, and hated herself for it afterwards because they were increasingly desperate.

Whatever I am, she thought, I am **not** desperate. I can't let him think that I'm desperate. Because I'm not. Seriously.

She missed Doc. At least **he** would've been understanding. At least she wouldn't have been all alone.

She managed to get a few hours of sleep somehow, and the morning she dreaded came all too soon.

---------------------

They were late. Alex had stayed with Izzie. They knew there would be hell to pay when Bailey found out, but Izzie couldn't be left alone. Although they hadn't dared talk about it, even among themselves, they were afraid of what she might do to herself.

"I need more coffee," George groaned, then noticed the woman coming out of the car just opposite of theirs. "Meredith," he hissed. "Wife incoming at eleven o'clock."

Meredith, who was so tired after sitting up with Izzie most of the night that she could hardly keep her eyes open, suddenly seemed to wake up somewhat. Her eyes met Addison's. She also looks like she's had a rough night, she thought. Addison always looked so perfect, in control. She never had a bad hair day, she was never late, her clothes were always immaculate. But this morning, Addison's hair was in a pony tail, her face seemed much younger and more innocent without the usual perfect make-up, and there were dark rings under her eyes.

There was a look of mild surprise on Addison's face, as if she had expected someone else to get out of the car as well. "Dr Grey. Dr O'Malley."

"Dr Shepherd."

Yes, I am the dirty whore who fucked your husband quite thoroughly last night.

They walked into the hospital in silence, side by side, George right behind. The two attracted a few curious looks from the other employees who were also coming in to work too late this morning. There was a party last night, after all, and they were only human. "News travels fast," Addison said dryly. Meredith didn't dare ask her what she meant by that. What did Addison know? What had Derek told her?

"Uhm..." was all she managed to say. Smooth, Meredith, she thought. Nice going.

Then he was there. Derek hurried out from the elevator, still in his smoking, which he had clearly slept in, unshaven and with his hair in wild disarray. Without thinking, Meredith looked up at Addison, and their eyes met. She looked... relieved. But then Addison regained her composure, Meredith could practically see the shades coming up. Addison always hid her feelings carefully underneath a glossy and cold surface.

"Derek."

"Addison. Meredith." His voice was strained, it sounded like he could barely get the words out.

Bailey came up behind them. "Perfect, the love triangle from hell returns. Just what I didn't need. Okay everyone, today is going to be a nightmare, we're one attending and one intern short –"

"Two interns," George murmured. "Karev is... indisposed."

"TWO interns? Karev is going to regret this, you might as well tell him,** I** know that **you** know where he's hiding out. I'll make sure he's on the vagina squad for so long he'll grow a vagina himself. And whatever issues the three of you have, deal with them later. There won't be time on my shift. Go home tonight, have a threesome to get the sexual tension out of the way, pick your rival's eyes out with chopsticks, whatever suits you, just do it **after** this shift. O'Malley, you're with me. Grey, go to the pit and suture up idiots for the rest of the day." She paused for one second. "Grey, what are you waiting for? MOVE!"

Meredith and George ran off like scared chickens, Bailey went steaming off in the opposite direction while she kept muttering something definitely mean-sounding under her breath, leaving the Shepherds standing there, alone.

There was really nothing to say.

----------------------------

Derek had expected someone turn up sometime during the day with a look on her face that meant trouble – a face that said: "We need to talk." He didn't know if he preferred it to be Meredith or Addison, but he certainly hadn't expected George to be the one to break the silence.

"What do you want with her?"

There was no point in trying to pretend as if he didn't know who George was talking about. Derek closed his eyes briefly. "I don't know exactly. I... don't know."

"Was it really that hard to just allow her to be happy? She **was** happy. But of course, you knew that she would come running back to you if you gave even the slightest indication you were still interested in her. What is she to you? Someone to play with? Someone to distract yourself with when your marriage isn't going too well? Just someone to screw before you go back to your wife? She deserves more than that."

George didn't wait for his answer.

-----------------------------------

Three days went by. Three days of avoidance, of silence. They were in the eye of the storm. Meredith had a secret conversation with Finn. She came back in tears, and refused to tell George about it. All she would say, was: "It's over." Izzie stayed in her room. Alex didn't leave her side. Derek went back to the trailer. He slept next to Addison at night.

The three days of silence ended when Addison found Meredith's panties in Derek's pocket as she was sorting through the laundry.


	5. Chapter 5

Derek had a kind of sixth sense. He couldn't predict the weather, or find lost pets or misplaced keys, or foretell the future from tea leaves. He did, however, have a certain feeling when something was about to happen. It was part of what made him such a great surgeon – his intuition rarely failed him. It was also what had prepared him for the sight of Addison cheating on him with his best friend – in **his** bed.

That day, he'd had this feeling – like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. When nothing happened at work – in fact, it was the most boring day in months, only two routine surgeries and the rest was all paperwork – he started worrying. Problems at work he could handle, but domestic disputes was something else entirely. Since the prom, he had known that the storm was drawing closer. The other shoe had to drop. Secretly, he despised himself for not having the guts to just clean out all the skeletons from the closet once and for all, and then deal with the consequences later. But silence and avoidance were easier in the short run, more comfortable. So that's what he settled for. Because he didn't know what else to do.

But as soon as he opened the door to the trailer, and he was met by Addison holding up a pair of black panties, he knew that the other shoe had dropped.

In fact, it had dropped quite some time ago.

----------------

She threw the panties at him, disgusted.

"I found a little something in your pocket. They're not mine, obviously. Meredith's ass is substantially smaller than mine." Seeing the way he caught the panties in the air, out of pure reflex, then for a split second stroked the silk lovingly between his thumb and index finger, before he put them in the front pocket of his jeans, almost killed her. It was one of the things he had done, throughout all of their relationship, which had hurt her the most, and he had hurt her quite a lot over the years, just as she had hurt him.

"Addison, I... I don't know what to say."

"Why don't you start with the truth?" When he didn't respond, she continued, impatiently, "Don't even bother trying to lie to me. I've known you slept with Meredith at the prom ever since that night. I'm not blind, Derek."

Derek didn't answer. He walked into the kitchen corner, searched for the bottle of scotch he knew was there, and took a large mouthful straight from the bottle, not bothering to look for even a plastic cup. "How did you find out?"

She was stunned by his question, as much as they way he said it. The whole conversations seemed unreal to her. They were talking about his cheating on her like they were discussing what to have for dinner. Was this the best they could do, after eleven years? Suddenly exhausted, she sat down on the bed, undoing the ponytail she hated, allowing her red curls the freedom to fall freely over her shoulders. "You were all post-coital at the prom. And Meredith looked distraught and guilty, with her dress hardly tied at the back. I had just spent the last half hour with **her** date, so I know he had nothing to do with the state of her hair and her dress. And **you** had also been gone." She paused. "Plus you literally haven't said two words to me in three days. So yes, I knew. Finding her panties in your pocket wasn't really a shocker."

"Yeah, I made love to her." He noticed that she flinched at his choice of words, but he couldn't help it. He took a deep breath. "And you know what, Addison? I've tried to regret doing it. I really have. But I can't. I **can't** regret what happened."

-------------------------

She was crying now, he realised, and he hated himself for hurting her this way, but finally, after all these years, it was time for the truth. They had held so much back from each other, and in the end, all those things that they **hadn't** shared with each, all the things they **should** have shared, all those little things, which added up to become large issues - they had been what drove them apart in the first place. Not Mark. Not Meredith. They were only the symptoms of the underlying disease – the disease that was their failure of communication in their marriage. As a doctor, it was easier for him to think of it in medical terms than the words their therapist used.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you call me on it? When you said that you knew?"

"I was waiting for you to tell me. I was hoping that at least I meant enough for you to **tell** me."

"I'm sorry, Addie..." He sat down on the bed next to her, and touched her cheek gently, wanting to dry away her tears, but she flinched at his touch, and he removed his hand. "So... tonight it's the truth, then."

"Yeah. Finally."

"Okay." To buy himself some time, he had another mouthful of scotch. "I love her. That's the truth. Where to go beyond that, I simply don't know. I love you too, Addie," he said, finally looking at her again, "but we have... we have hurt each other too many times. There are too many things we never talked about. We have been drifting apart for so long. When you came to Seattle, I tried to fall in love with you again. I tried, I really did. I hurt Meredith beyond reason trying to save our marriage. I thought, she's only in her twenties, she's too young and innocent and impulsive to be burdened by being with someone like me, someone with baggage and issues. Flaws. I tried to convince myself I'd be doing her a favour. And there you were, my equal, you've always been my equal, if anything you have always been **more** than I am in every single way, and you were beautiful, and winning, and you were just being **you**. I remembered the way you made me feel back in med school, when you made me go crazy with lust and love – and I tried to bring all those feelings back. I swear to God I tried. But I couldn't. Because we're not the same persons anymore. We're not the same." Now he had started crying, too.

"Okay, so it's time for the truth," she whispered. "When you left for Seattle... The reason why I didn't come after you immediately, was that I stayed with Mark." Somehow, he wasn't surprised. "He wasn't just a one night stand. The affair started innocently, slowly, but we were soon caught up in a web of lies and secrets and feelings - we simply didn't know how to deal with all the feelings. In the end, I left because he told me he loved me. I ran, and I didn't dare look back. I was so scared. I didn't know what I felt, and I was so afraid of being hurt again, that I didn't dare acknowledging how I felt - or didn't feel. We had been sleeping together, on and off, for more than two years when you discovered us."

Although he had suspected as much, actually hearing his wife say that she had lied to him for that long hurt more than he had imagined it would. "Two years?" He quickly did the math. "Was that the reason why you had the abortion?"

"Yes." His eyes met hers, and now she looked completely heartbroken. "I didn't know if you were the father – or if it was Mark. I was terrified, I couldn't deal with it. It was just all too easy to blame my decision on my career. And the worst thing was that you – you didn't really seem to care that much. You held my hand through it all, you fed me painkillers afterwards. And the next week, it was as if it never happened."

"I'm sorry, Addison."

"Yeah. Me too."

---------------------------

Two hours later, Addison checked into a hotel. She had packed the clothes and belongings she needed for the next few days. They had signed the divorce papers – together. They had taken off their rings. They had cried together. They had cleared the air, finally put words to all the feelings they had both repressed for too long. Somehow, the end was less painful than the road leading up to the end.


	6. Chapter 6

_I'm on vacation, so you won't get a lot of updates in the next few weeks... This is just something I wrote down while waiting for a flight, I was bored and scribbled on the back of my flight reservation. Reviews are very much appreciated, by the way, thanks to the three angels who have posted reviews so far :D_

Meredith noticed some nurses whispering behind her back in the elevator in the morning, and even though she didn't really know why, she took the stairs the rest of the day. Lately, she had gone to great lengths to avoid the elevator, anyway. It seemed to her that at Seattle Grace, too many things happened in elevators. Especially to her. And as a result, she always ended up getting hurt.

It was a busy day, there was no time to chat or have lunch with any of the other interns. Even with Alex being back at work for the first time since the prom, they were still swamped. Dr Bailey had threatened to throw him out of the program if he didn't come back. Surprisingly, when he had come back to work, Dr Bailey hadn't assigned him to Addison and her vagina squad, but to Derek. And during the day, Dr Bailey discretely took Alex aside and told him that any time he needed to go home early, it was fine. But on that day, even if more people may have whispered around Meredith than usual, she was just too busy to care. She managed to block them out as she was hurrying from one patient to the next. She had managed to block out a lot of things lately. It made life easier.

Just before lunch, she was surprised to run into Addison in the stairs, who was going up as Meredith was going down. Odd, Meredith thought. Addison never used the stairs. She was far too self-confident to be afraid of an awkward meeting in the elevator, and besides, with the high heels she preferred, one didn't walk more than one really had to.

Meredith smiled nervously, muttering a hello. Addison stopped. She looked different somehow, but Meredith couldn't quite place just how she looked different.

"You win, Meredith." The attending's make-up was perfect as usual, her salmon-coloured scrubs annoyingly well fitted. Neither her face nor her voice betrayed any real emotion. Before Meredith had the chance to ask the older woman just what she was talking about, Addison continued walking up the stairs, leaving a puzzled Meredith just standing there.

Half an hour later, as she walked into OR 2 after having scrubbed in to assist Dr Webber, she realised what had been different about Addison. She had taken off her ring.

Later that shift, Meredith received a phone call.

After a few hours, she finally decided what to do.

She found Addison in her office. She knocked on the door, and if Addison was surprised to see the intern, she didn't show it.

"Addison, can I talk to you for a minute?"


	7. Chapter 7

Derek woke up the next morning by a knock on the trailer door. He was exhausted after a long shift, and willed whoever it was to go away. It was Saturday, after all. He desperately needed some sleep, and hoped that if he didn't answer, whoever it was would just give up and leave.

It didn't work. Someone knocked again, more insistently this time. Muttering a curse, he stumbled out of bed, put on a pair of jeans, and opened the door.

He was astonished to see his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriend standing there. Together. They both looked uneasy. Meredith's eyes were red-rimmed.

"Good morning," was all he managed to say.

Neither woman returned his greeting. "I talked to Finn yesterday," Meredith said. She spoke quickly and nervously, it was clear that she had rehearsed what to say in advance. "He wanted to know what I wanted to do with Doc's body. He asked me if I wanted to have him cremated, and if not, he couldn't keep him any longer, there was no space in the freezer." She paused. The grim realities of life and death, and what happens after, was something both doctors and vets deal with every day. "I remembered the spot we talked about, by the river. I wanted to bury him there, not just his ashes. So I collected his body this morning."

"Do you want to help us bury him?" Addison asked, and he hadn't noticed until now that she was holding a shovel.

Of course, surgeons shouldn't really do gardening or dig holes in the ground, for fear of getting dirt, with bacteria and bacterial spores, underneath their fingernails. For once, the three surgeons disregarded it. They took turns with the two shovels, after finding the most beautiful spot by the river.

It was a good place for burying a loved one.

After they had finished, Derek carried Doc's plastic-covered frozen body from the car, and gently put him down into the hole. Addison and Derek put the dirt back. After they had finished, Meredith came back from the woods with a bouquet of flowers she had just picked, and a small cross she had made from two sticks.

Few words had been spoken, and neither of them had shed any tears. But as Meredith put the flowers down on Doc's grave, it was as if she at last understood the finality of it. In all the death and despair of the last week, she had managed to – or forced herself to – avoid analysing her feelings over losing her beloved dog. Doc hadn't been a part of her life for very long, and she realised that that she had adopted him for all the wrong reasons, but she still loved him. Love for an animal is unconditional. There are no if's, betrayals, jealousy, conflicting feelings.

There is only love.

She started crying, not being able to keep her feelings at bay any longer. The grief and fear and stress of the last week finally caught up with her.

Someone took her hand, held it firmly and comfortingly, and Meredith was somewhat surprised to see that it was Addison. She was also surprised to see that both Addison and Derek were crying, too.

The feelings between the three of them were complicated and difficult, and they hadn't really had the courage to explore them and their extent yet. But through the frozen remains of a pet, they at least celebrated a rare thing together: love without borders or limitations.

_**Remarks**: I am a vet. Naturally, animals play an important part in my life, both my patients and my four cats. I was quite excited when McVet first showed up – a VET on Grey's Anatomy, yay! – even though I'm MerDer to the bone, of course. I loved the storyline about Doc, although I don't think the writers did that much research into osteosarcomas in dogs... ahem... and McVet did a lousy job not being honest about Doc's prognosis to his owners... anyway... I haven't really seen any fics dealing with the grief over losing Doc after the prom. I know, there is a lot of angst going on there. But Doc still died. And I wanted closure on that, too. I'm wondering what Shonda will do about it, I hope she won't just ignore Doc – his life and his death._


	8. Chapter 8

_**Thanks for all the reviews, I really appreciate them :)**_

It was late. Meredith had been in surgery all night. She was exhausted after a 48 hour shift – not only because of the demands of her job, but also from tip-toeing around the Shepherds all the time. She had been lucky the past week, though. With Izzie gone, and Burke still hospitalised, Meredith was assigned to cardiovascular to keep Cristina away from any work-related issues when it came to Burke. George was with Addison – probably to function as a somewhat calming presence and buffer. The Nazi was bossing Cristina and Alex around, albeit in a slightly milder manner than usual.

Burke was improving, but it was still uncertain whether he would be able to go back to surgery. Of course, any university would kill to hire him as a professor, but Burke didn't want to teach. He wanted to operate. He was a hands-on man. It was all or nothing.

Cristina was, of course, also acutely aware of this. She also knew about the prom – Meredith had told her herself, before she heard it from anyone else. Cristina had laughed bitterly, claiming that Meredith always managed to mess up her life so badly it actually cheered other people up, because at least their lives were less complicated than hers.

Meredith sighed. She wasn't looking forward to going home. The house felt like a mausoleum these days, with everyone speaking in hushed voices. Alex was still sleeping on the couch. Meredith had suggested that he sleep in George's bed, they were friends after all, but George had refused due to Alex's history of "syphilis and immoral behaviour". So Alex slept on the couch, not complaining even though his back must be killing him after almost two weeks. Every day meant another battle with Izzie – forcing her to eat, unsuccessfully trying to get her out of her room, to spark her interest in anything, anything at all, that wasn't Denny.

She heard a man walk up behind her, and she knew who it was as soon as she smelled the combination of his aftershave mingling with the unique scent of his skin. "Wanna go down to the harbour to watch the ferryboats?"

"Not really, no."

"Please, Meredith, we really need to talk."

She didn't know why she agreed to come. Perhaps it was the complete lack of arrogance in Derek's voice.

-------------------------------------

They sat in silence for quite some time, watching the lights of the late-night ferryboats move slowly but steadily with their loads of people going home for the night. A few raindrops fell, not really enough to call it rain, but enough to feel chilly for Meredith. She hadn't prepared for a night of uncomfortable silence and late-night ferryboat-watching when she left the house before her shift. In fact, she hadn't prepared to speak to Derek at all. So she didn't say anything, whatever he felt that they needed to talk about, she'd leave it to him to break the silence. Let him do the dirty work.

Finally, he did.

"Addison and I are getting divorced."

"I don't really know what you want me to say, Derek – do you want me to congratulate you? Offer my condolences? You getting divorced just one week after the prom makes me feel even more of a whore. Thank you very much."

Derek was stunned at the coldness of her voice. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"Well, whatever it is you mean, why don't you make up your mind for once. First you accuse me of being a whore, when you have absolutely no right to do so. And then you **make** me your whore by following me and screwing me in an exam room, when I'm at the prom with my nice date who has **plans**, and you are there with your **wife**. And afterwards you have the nerve to ask me what it all **means** when it's all too obvious what it means: It's going to end up in disaster for all parties involved, and for slutty little Meredith in particular."

"Meredith, you have no idea how sorry I am for saying those things to you – about sleeping around. I was angry and jealous, and lashing out at you made it easier for me to stay angry at **you** instead of allowing myself to realise that **I **was to blame for it all. You think I didn't understand why you slept with all those random guys, George included?" He lifted her chin with his right hand, forcing her to meet his eyes. She flinched at his touch, but didn't pull back. "I'm sorry, Meredith. I did what I thought was right at the time. I should've trusted you. I should've told you about Addison – not on the night we met, because we didn't mean anything to each other then, but as soon as I got to know the **real** Meredith, when you started to get under my skin, I should've told you. I'm sorry."

"You think it's that easy for me to forgive you for what you did? You apologise, and I beg you to take me back into your ratty trailer-bed?"

He sighed, frustrated that his words didn't seem to penetrate though her anger. "Are you listening to me at all? I love you, Meredith. I love **you**. I'm sorry for hurting you, and I'm sorry for not trusting you. I know that rebuilding that trust, and what we had, will take time. But if you are willing to try, I'm willing to wait for as long as it takes. I'm here, Meredith, if you want me."

Now she seemed more tired than angry. "Why didn't you tell me about Addison, Derek? Can you at least try to explain that?"

He caressed her hair slowly, gently, grateful that she allowed him to touch her at all. Her hair smelled of lavender and rain. He'd missed the scent of her. "She had broken me. Being betrayed by my wife and my best friend – the two persons in my life who I trusted the most - had shattered everything I thought I knew. My whole existence. And then you were there, and you were so young, and so trusting, and so **alive**. With Addison and Mark back on the east coast, it was just far too easy to let myself believe that they didn't exist, or at least that they didn't matter anymore. All I had in my life that was good, and pure, it was all you. I knew that you held something back as well, and I knew that we were reaching the point in our relationship where we had to come clean. Then you told me about your mother, and I was going to tell you about Addison that night... But she beat me to it."

She surprised him by walking into his arms, allowing him to hold her, to bury his face into her lavender-smelling hair, her tears being absorbed by his jacket. "Why do you make me feel this way, Derek? Why can't you just allow me to hate you?"

He kissed her hair gently, sensing it was all she could take just then. Take it slow, Derek, he told himself, keeping the demands of his body in check. Take it slow. "I'm sorry, Meredith. If you believe nothing else I ever say, please believe this – I love you, and I'm sorry."

"I love you too," she mumbled into his jacket. "Even though I hate myself for loving you most of the time."

He chuckled. "Well, that's a start, then. Why can't we just... be friends. Get comfortable with each other again. Actually starting to talk to each other would be a great improvement. Perhaps go out for dinner, a few rides with the ferryboat of your choice. Have lunch together. You know, friends. Nice and easy."

"I'd like that," she whispered.

He realised that rebuilding Meredith's trust in him would take a long time, and that the battle was far from won, but as he held her tight, he was happier than he had been in a long, long time.


	9. Chapter 9

As she rang the doorbell, Addison took a deep breath. It's Friday night, she thought. I'm sure Meredith isn't at home. She's probably in some bar somewhere, along with everyone else who actually have a life.

Turned out she wasn't. Meredith looked about as surprised to see Addison as Addison felt to see Meredith. After an uncomfortable silence, Addison said: "Well, isn't this an awkward moment. Why don't we just fast forward to the part where you invite me in, and I accept?"

"Sure," Meredith said, after a moment's hesitation. Addison soon understood the younger woman's hesitation, as she came into the living room, finding her husband there together with George, Callie, Cristina and Alex, sharing two pizzas and beers. They had been talking and laughing, but as soon as they say Addison, they grew silent.

"Watching surgery vids on a Friday night? When we were interns, at least we had enough common sense to get completely hammered on our nights off," she said dryly, with a quick glance at Derek.

"Would you like some pizza?" George offered, ever polite, and he let out a rather girlish scream as Cristina kicked his shin hard. "Sorry."

"Actually, I didn't come here to have pizza. I came here to bake cookies," she answered, lifting up the bag with groceries she had brought with her.

"Bake cookies? You? You couldn't bake cookies if the future of the free world depended on it," Derek said, his surprise at seeing his ex-wife making him more brutally honest than polite.

"Yeah, I know. But I've heard Izzie is great at it, so I figured she could teach me."

Meredith seemed to see where this was going, she had a look of dawning understanding on her face. "Izzie's upstairs. She hasn't left her room in three weeks. You can go up to her, but I don't think she'll..."

"Leave that to me. Can you show me her room?"

Meredith nodded, and Alex followed them too as they went upstairs. The door to Izzie's room was closed. Addison knocked once. Twice. No response. "It's always like that," Meredith whispered.

Alex was standing next to the door, with a menacing look on his face. "What do you want, queen of evil spawns? Stay away from her. Leave her alone. We're good here."

Completely ignoring him, Addison opened the door. She had expected Izzie to be in bad shape, but she hadn't been prepared for the sight that met her. Izzie was sitting in a corner of her room, on the floor, dressed in an oversized, dirty t-shirt and an old pair of jeans. Her blond hair was tangled and greasy. Even with the oversized t-shirt, Addison could tell that she had lost a lot of weight in the last three weeks.

"Good? This is what you call good, Dr Karev? Didn't you learn anything at all in med school?" With a furious look at Alex, Addison walked over to Izzie, sitting down in front of her. "Izzie?"

No response.

"Dr Stevens?"

Finally, Izzie looked up, but there was no emotion in her eyes at all, they seemed dead.

"Come on, let's get you into the shower," Addison said calmly.

"Screw you."

"Unfortunately, no one's screwing me at the moment. You, on the other hand, are going to have a shower, and then you're going to teach me how to bake cookies, and then we're going to talk. Are we clear on that?"

No answer.

"Dr Stevens?"

Still no answer.

Addison, with some help from Meredith, helped Izzie stand up. "Come on, let's go. Do I have to undress you myself and drag you into the shower by force? Because I can assure you, if that's what it takes, that's exactly what I'll do." She ignored Alex's mumbled comment that that's a sight he'd really love to see, two hot chicks naked in the shower together, and she would've reprimanded him if she hadn't known that inappropriate comments were part of his defense mechanism. She instructed Meredith to find some clean clothes, removed the key to the bathroom door and hid it safely in the pocket of her jeans, found clean towels, put the water on, and ordered Izzie to get undressed. As she saw that Izzie hesitatingly obeyed, she left the bathroom, warning her that she had ten minutes before Addison came back, and she better be ready by then.

"Drag your brain out of the gutter, Karev, and come downstairs," she said to the intern standing just outside the door to the bathroom.

In the living room, she cracked a beer open, took a slice of pizza, and unceremoniously sat down on the floor, her legs crossed.

"So, how long has this been going on?" Addison said, her mouth full of melted cheese. She noticed the frantic look Derek sent Meredith, and added, annoyed, "Not you two, seriously Derek, not everything in the world revolves around you. I'm talking about Izzie. For how long were you planning to let her plummet like this?"

"We've tried, Addison, we really have," Meredith whispered, and noting the looks of tired desperation on the faces of all the four interns, she realised that they really had.

"What makes you think that you can make a difference?" Alex was fuming. "She won't listen to any of us, why would she give a shit about you and your cookies? You don't love her. You don't even care, Ice Queen."

The Ice Queen comment stung, but she refused to show it. "Because I'm her boss. Keep your tongue in check, Dr Karev, remember I'm your boss, too. And I do care. Izzie needs to snap out of it. Whatever you've been trying to do, it obviously hasn't helped. I'm hoping that equal parts of yelling and cookies will do the trick. Certainly can't hurt, now can it?"

She paused, looking at the TV, which still showed Ellis Grey in action. "Wow, Meredith, your mother really was an extraordinary surgeon. No wonder she's in all the surgery text books. I've never seen her operate until now."

-------------------------------

Ten minutes later, her wet hair in a pony tail and dressed in clean clothes, Izzie actually came downstairs on her own.

"Good, you don't smell anymore. Now eat some pizza," Addison gave Izzie a slice of half cold pizza, the tone of her voice did not give any room for objections, "and let's go to the kitchen. You're going to teach me how to bake cookies. It's going to be hard, I can assure you, quite a few people have tried and failed miserably in the past." Stay here, she mouthed to the others, and even Alex didn't object, perhaps because he saw a sparkle of life in Izzie's eyes, however tiny, that no one had seen in weeks.

"I didn't know what to buy, I never cook, so I just got some stuff I thought we might need. I couldn't find the eggs, though. We need eggs, right?" Izzie nodded. "There you go, my punishment for always eating out, I couldn't even find the eggs in a supermarket. Come to think of it, I couldn't find the milk, either."

It turned out George had kept the fridge fully stacked with cookie-making essentials, hoping that Izzie would start showing enough interest in life to at least do the thing she liked the most in life besides surgery: cooking.

Addison was right, she was an awful cook. But Izzie knew what to do, even in the haze she was in. As they had put the cookies into the oven, they sat down by the kitchen table with two cups of tea.

"You didn't really come here to learn how to bake, did you?" Izzie finally said.

"No, I didn't. I came here to make you an offer. If you are interested."

"What kind of an offer?"

"Izzie, you're the best intern I've ever worked with. With the right training, and one hundred percent dedication from you, you can be the best neonatal surgeon in the country in 15 years."

"I don't want to be a surgeon. I don't have what it takes." The tiny sparkle of life suddenly disappeared from Izzie's eyes, and although she didn't know why, it made Addison furious.

"Just stop wallowing in self-pity and wake up! I tried to teach you a lesson with the quint. You didn't learn it, obviously, because you went completely overboard with Denny. I've never met an intern more in need of that lesson than you, and even though I hated myself for doing it, I knew it had to be done. You would've made it much easier for everyone involved, including yourself, if you just could've gotten that lesson the first time around. But no, you had to go falling for a patient, and then you end up practically stealing a heart for him. That's the reason doctors can't get too attached to their patients – it clouds their judgement, and they end up making wrong decisions. You did, and that's something you'll have to live with for the rest of your life. But in the end, all you have to do is just what everyone else does when there's trouble in paradise: You just deal with it. Tough shit. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, that's just the way life is. You can't stop living, Izzie. Denny wouldn't have wanted you to. If he had lived, who knows what would've happened? It's far easier to love someone in a crisis than it is to love someone in daily life, year after year, quarrelling about bills and bathroom colours. You'll never know. But I won't let you give up everything over him, Izzie, and he wouldn't have wanted you to, either. You do know I'm right, don't you?"

Tears streaming down her face now, Izzie nodded.

"Which brings me back to my offer. I'll go the chief and beg him to take you back into the program. And yes, I really think I'll have to beg on my knees, and call in every favour I've got with him, and even then, I'll owe him a hell of a lot of favours afterwards, because you've done something so unspeakable it would shock the whole medical community if they were ever allowed to find out. He agrees to take you back, and he **will**, because I won't stop bothering until he gives in, and you train with me. Give me 15 years, and you'll be the best. Nothing can stop you. I think you've finally learned the most important lesson, I'm sorry it had to happen this way, but it did, and we can't change it. There are many painful lessons ahead of you, even more so when dealing with babies, but that makes the highs even higher. But I need to know if you really want to do this. If you want to commit yourself to it. Because I won't end up owing the chief all kinds of favours he'll call me on at the most inconvenient moment only to have you back out on me. So what do you say? Will you back out on me?"

Finally, Izzie met her eyes, and didn't avert her gaze.

"No, I won't."

Addison smiled. "Good. Now, don't you think the cookies are finished soon? I think I smell something burning."


	10. Chapter 10

He had known he'd be there. Old habits die hard. It had been almost two years since the last time they had jogged in Central Park at 7 PM on a Thursday night, which they had done religiously every week for seven years, barring unexpected emergency surgeries, usually on Derek's part.

"Mark."

"Derek."

They jogged side by side, speeding up a bit as if to test the other man's strength and stamina.

"I should've known you'd be in town, with the hotshot neuro congress and everything. You lecturing?"

"Yeah. Held it today, the rest of the week it's all drinking and playing golf. You know."

"So, how's life treating you and the little wife?"

"Well, life will take care of itself eventually, and the little wife and I signed the papers three weeks ago."

Mark knew immediately which papers Derek talked about. He stopped, and so did Derek.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"So what happened?" Derek started running again, and Mark had to speed up to catch up with him. Mark started laughing, a bit out of breath. "Something tells me a certain lusty intern is involved."

"Stop calling Meredith a lusty intern."

"Well, how about I call her dirty mistress?"

"Do you want me to give you a scar on the other cheek for symmetry? You're about two seconds away from that now."

"I don't have a scar – see?" Mark turned his face to show Derek his other cheek, his face glistening with sweat, his wet t-shirt clinging to his back and chest. "Remember, I'm the best plastic surgeon on the east coast, Derek. I know how to stitch up a wound – I just work those magic fingers."

"Those magic fingers have gotten you in trouble before, as I recall."

Mark laughed. "Too right, my friend."

"Don't push it. We're not friends anymore, not after the stunt you pulled with Addison."

They jogged in silence for a few minutes, unconsciously falling back into each other's familiar rhythm.

"I slept with Meredith. I was madly jealous, messed up her relationship with a nice but oh-so-boring vet, then Addison found out, and the rest is history." He paused. "Well, it was history long before that, actually."

"How did she find out? Did she actually catch you doing the dirty deed?" Mark's voice was strained, and Derek realised why – he was feeling sorry for Addison because Derek had hurt her. He was still feeling protective of her.

"No, she didn't. She found Meredith's panties in my pocket."

Mark started laughing. "You know what, Derek? Everyone always thought we were a strange pair of best friends – that I was the wild party boy, and you were every mother-in-law's wet dream. But the thing is, deep down, we are the same, you and I. The only difference is that while I'm upfront about being an ass and sleeping around, you pretend to be all Mr Perfect, making yourself feel better about your cheating by being all guilty and looking puppy-eyed and wounded. You know what you are, Derek? You are an asshole."

Derek laughed. "I know. You're the only one, besides Meredith, who has ever called me on it. She said pretty much the same thing herself, although she didn't use the same colourful description."

"I take it you're not back together, then?"

"No, not really. Not yet, anyway. We're taking things slowly."

"Good for Meredith. She's too good for you, just like Addie was. I hope for your sake you don't mess up Meredith the way you messed up Addie."

"Why this sudden interest in Meredith's well-being?"

"We are both assholes – and we share the same taste in women."

"Just stay the hell away from her. I saw the way she looked at you."

"Derek, **all **women look at me that way," Mark laughed. Derek didn't answer.

They jogged in silence for a few more minutes, both breathing more heavily now. They were getting near the end of their old round.

"If you've got something to say, just say it," Mark finally said, angrily. They stopped, having reached the junction where Mark had used to jog home to his place, and Derek in the other direction towards the apartment that had been his and Addison's. Mark was angry, tired and sweaty, but Derek seemed to have something on his mind, something difficult, so he stayed.

"Addison and I talked about a lot of things recently. Not just about Meredith, but about you, as well." He paused. Mark didn't answer. "She told me that you had been sleeping together for two years before I found out."

"Derek, I'm... sorry. I wish there's something I could say, but..."

"But you loved her. I know. Did you know that she got pregnant?" From the look on Mark's face – complete and utter shock – it was obvious that he didn't. "It was almost three years ago. Back when you spent four months in Sydney teaching, remember? She found out, quite conveniently, come to think of it, just one week after you left. She had an abortion. It was her decision, I didn't really have anything to say about it. To be honest, I didn't really care that much. I mean, I **cared**, but... Not the way I knew I should've cared."

"The baby," Mark whispered. "Was it..."

"She didn't know who the father was. Could've been either one of us. Which was one of the main reasons why she didn't keep it, although she didn't tell me back then, of course."

"Poor Addie," Mark whispered. He looked absolutely devastated, quickly drying his eyes with the back of his hand, pretending to dry sweat off his forehead, but failing miserably. He feels the way **I **should've felt back then, Derek thought. But I didn't. And he knew why.

Right there and then, he made a decision, about something he hadn't been sure whether or not to say until now.

"There is a position open for a plastic surgeon at Seattle Grace. Naturally, the Chief wants no one but the best. He also knows very well who the best is, and just what happened between this certain surgeon and his two favourite attendings last year. Which is why he hasn't called you already."

"So?"

"So I'm asking **you** to call **him**."

"Why?"

"When you came to Seattle last year, you came to win her back, didn't you?"

There was no point in lying, Derek already knew the answer. "Yeah. But as usual, she chose the so-called good guy."

"You still love her?"

"Wish to God I didn't."

"She needs you, Mark. Although she'll never admit it, she's far too stubborn. She needs someone. And I think that someone's you. If you think you can work with me, I think I can work with you."

"Addie would kill you if she knew we had this conversation."

"I know. She'd kill you, too."

"She's far too intelligent not to realise something's happened if I suddenly show up at Seattle Grace."

"She was always smarter than either of us."

"Speak for yourself."

"You still want that second scar?"


	11. Chapter 11

She woke up to the faint smell of iron and vague stomach cramps, and realised that at least she didn't have to worry about how tell her "friend" he was going to be a father anymore.

She didn't quite know whether to feel happy or sad about it. Perhaps somewhere in between. She yelled at George because he hadn't bought tampons – again - and for once he didn't yell back, he just laughed and told her to remember condoms next time, which made her even more pissed off.

--------------------------

The whole friendship thing wasn't as easy as it had seemed when Derek had said they'd be "just friends".

It wasn't easy to have lunch together as "friends" when it seemed as if half the hospital, including his ex-wife, were watching them. Perhaps she was just imagining the whispers behind her back. Perhaps the word "whore" was just in her head, as well as the words "poor Meredith". Perhaps they weren't.

When they met in the hallway, they were Dr Montgomery and Dr Grey. Or Dr Montgomery and Dr Shepherd. Or Dr Grey and Dr Shepherd.

It was hard to find things to talk about, too, when there were so many sensitive issues that had to be avoided if their fragile friendship were to survive. Anything to do with former relationships, underwear, parties, vets, adultery, dogs, tequila, marriages... the list went on and on. They could talk safely about medicine, of course, but they tried not to, as their jobs occupied so much of their time already. Sometimes, you just need a break, otherwise you go crazy. Or get burned out. Or both.

But sometimes, when there was an uncomfortable silence which they both seemed to be unable to break, they just sat there. Both thinking the same thing. Or not.

Finally, Derek decided that enough was enough. They were going for a walk in the forest, which they hadn't done together since Doc died. "Mer... We're not really friends, are we?"

At first she had been so relieved just to hear him say something, breaking another uncomfortable silence, but as she realised what he actually **said**, she recognised the issue as the mine field it was. "No, we're not."

"So what are we?"

"Ex-lovers trying to find out if we want to be lovers again?" She said dryly.

Derek laughed. "Always straight to the point, even when you're sober."

"Except it's not really about finding out if we **want** to be lovers again," Meredith added slowly. "Because it's obvious that we **want** to be lovers. I mean..." She blushed, realising what she had just said, and for once, she didn't know what to say. "I can't believe I actually said that," she mumbled, studiously avoiding his eyes. "Just forget it. Forget I said anything. I always talk before I think. It's pathologic." She noticed he was staring at her, which made her blush even deeper. "Derek, stop it. Stop looking at me."

"You don't want me to look at you?"

"No. Stop looking at me like that."

"Stop looking at you like what? **You're** not looking at **me**. How can you know which way I'm looking at you?"

Finally, she found the courage to look up at him. His eyes were a very dark grey, warm, and perhaps with a slightly increased amount of lacrimation, but of course, it could've been just her imagination. Or the wind. "You're giving me the McDreamy-look," she murmured. "Stop it."

He surprised her by kissing her gently on her forehead, nothing more. "Thank you," he whispered in her ear, and she felt her skin tingle when his stubbled chin briefly brushed against her cheek. She closed her eyes, feeling light-headed from his scent. Meredith Grey, you're in serious trouble here, she thought.

"Thank you for what?" She somehow managed to say, and she was surprised to hear how husky her voice sounded, as if it belonged to someone else.

"Thank you for telling me you want me," he whispered, and suddenly he was behind her, putting his arms around her waist, holding her tight, his body pressed firmly against her back, but without demands. "I want you too. I always have, from the second I saw you. When I see you in the hospital, all I can think about is being with you." His nose touched her ear, and she shuddered. "We've never taken it slow, Mere. Perhaps that was part of the problem. I think that if we move too fast now, we might ruin every chance we have of making it work."

"Whatever happened to being just friends?" She had no idea how she found air in her lungs to even ask that question.

"Screw being just friends. We both know we'll never be just friends. We tried, and we ended up in that exam room."

"Uhm..." She tried to think of something intelligent to say, but she was distracted by his kissing her neck. "Derek, stop it."

"Why?"

"We were going to take it slow. And if you keep doing that, even for two seconds longer, that slow thing is never going to happen."

The ball was in his court. She was anxiously waiting for his decision, both excited and slightly embarrassed to know that whatever he chose, she'd follow him. She was both disappointed and relieved when he pulled back, and turned her around. "Okay. Slow – and a cold shower."

She laughed.


	12. Chapter 12

There was a knock on her door. Addison muttered a curse under her breath. Wednesday night, and she had a hot date with Maximus Decimus Meridius. And then, of course, someone dared to disturb her, right in the middle of one of her favourite scenes, Maximus meeting Lucilla again for the first time in many years, one married, the other widowed, hating yet in a way still loving each other.

Gladiator had saved her more times than she cared to remember. Saved her when she had come home to an empty apartment at night, her husband still at work, and not even a message on the answering machine saying he'd be late.

She considered not opening the door, but her curiosity won out. No one except Derek knew which hotel she was staying at, and she refused to allow herself to consider the two possibilities – that it was Derek, and he wanted to see her (don't go there, Addison, just don't go there), or perhaps a mystery someone wanted to see her for whatever reason (yeah, right).

She opened the door.

No, it wasn't Maximus knocking on her door.

It was Mark.

"Hi, Addison," he smiled brightly, perhaps a bit too brightly. "Watching Gladiator again? Mind if I join you?"

She was too shocked to say no, although she knew she should have. "How did you find me?" she finally managed to say, it wasn't smart, or funny, or I-don't-care-who-you-are-I'm-completely-over-you. Pathetic, she scolded herself.

"I have my methods." He held up a paper bag. "Chinese?"

She didn't even have the dignity to say no.

---------------

"What are you doing here?"

"How many times have you seen this movie, Addie?"

"Stop trying to change the subject."

"I work here."

"At this hotel? What, you lost your licence due to malpractice? So you had to get a job at a hotel to make ends meet?"

"Yeah. They finally discovered that I was Michael Jackson's personal plastic surgeon."

Addison laughed. "Whoever operated on his nose, definitely deserves to lose his licence. But you're trying to change the subject again. You work here? Here, as in Seattle?"

"Meet Seattle Grace's new head of plastics."

She slapped him. He really hadn't seen it coming. He shook his head in disbelief, his skin going from numb for a split second to painful and warm. "What is it with you Shepherds? Every time I run into one of you, you hit me."

"That's because you deserve it," Addison hissed. They were sitting on her bed, Gladiator still playing in the background. "Sssshhh, I love this scene. Oh, there we go... Russel Crowe wearing only a loincloth."

"That's your idea of a steamy man?"

"My ovaries are vibrating as we speak."

"Stop drooling, Addison. You're disgusting."

"Oh shut up. Maximus is directly responsible for me not having given up on men completely. Which is more than I can say about Derek. **Or **you."

"He's not real! The **real** Russel Crowe throws phones at hotel personnel!"

"I told you to shut up! Don't ruin my fantasy. A girl is entitled to have dreams about steamy men." She took another sip of red wine, having raided the hotel mini bar. "So why haven't I heard about you coming to work at Seattle Grace?"

"Well, it just happened really quickly."

"Does this have anything to do with Derek's going to New York last week?"

"Derek was in New York last week? This is all completely new information for me."

"So now my ex husband feels sorry for me. Sorry enough to encourage **you **to move to Seattle. God, I need something stronger." Rummaging through the mini bar, she found a small bottle of vodka. As she mixed two drinks, she murmured to herself, just loud enough for him to hear it, "I must be the most pathetic person on earth." Then she smiled a fake smile and held out a plastic glass to him. "Screwdriver?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

---------------

She woke up because the morning sun was shining far too brightly on her face. Feeling the pounding beginnings of a worse-than-average red wine headache, she moaned and tried to turn away from the light.

She wasn't able to.

It took her a few seconds to understand why. Someone's leg was lying partly over her hip. A strong, well muscled, hairy, definitely male leg.

Somehow, she knew it wasn't Maximus's leg.

An equally strong, well muscled, hairy, definitely male arm was also wrapped safely around her chest. Plus she was naked. And someone was breathing in her neck. Warm. Steamy.

**Shit**.


	13. Chapter 13

_**To everyone who's reviewed my story so far, I just want to thank you all. I'd also like to answer some questions, and thank a few people for their comments in particular.**_

_**First of all, this story is almost completed... There are roughly 3-4 chapters left, two of which have already been written (this is one of them). It's just REALLY hard to write that final chapter. I keep putting it off.**_

_**I've also been a bit concerned about making this story a bit too funny (although Mark is a character which just screams "I WANT FUNNY LINES"). This story has gone from angst to fun to drama and back several times, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that. In the end, I settled on the fact that the show itself also does that quite a lot.**_

_**AFan17**: No one's pregnant. But Meredith didn't know for a while whether or not she was pregnant, obviously ;) There are enough pregnancy stories out there - although I enjoy reading them myself, I think the characters have more than enough to deal with - an unplanned pregnancy might be a bit over the top... At least for my story._

_**Hiei-Touya-icedemon**: still blushing after having read your review thank you so much :) I'm afraid things get a bit more sappy as the story continues, but I try to keep it as low-grade-sappy as I can. I really do._

_**Meremaid**: trying to make the storyline plausible was actually my main concern, I'm glad you think I've succeeded! This is a storyline I can imagine happening in the series, although I think it will take MerDer and Maddison longer to get together - if it happens at all. But as I don't have any medical stories going on (I don't want to do them unless I get the medical stuff right, and I'm a vet, not a doctor, so I just stay far, far away from it - a bit like they should've done on GA too, with the Doc storyline... but that's another story)_

_**Orchidium**: thanks :)_

_**kml57**: thanks, besides having a more-or-less plausible storyline, making Addison sympathetic was also very important to me. She's not the bitch she appeared to be in the first few episodes. She's just an unhappy person stuck in a bad relationship._

**Chapter 13**

"Someone's given Dr Montgomery-Shepherd the mother of all hickeys!"

Meredith heard a nurse giggle to another nurse in the elevator, and she could feel their looks and hear their laughter, which perhaps was on her expense, and perhaps not.

"I wonder who did it."

"Too many drinks at Joe's last night, perhaps?"

More incessant giggling. There's not a court in this country that would convict me of their murders if I just stabbed them, right here, right now, in this elevator, Meredith thought.

I **have** to stop taking the elevator.

It became even worse when the doors opened, and – of course – Addison walked in, which led to even more giggling from the nurses from hell. She looked tired and a bit pale. And on her neck she did, in fact, have the biggest hickey Meredith had ever had the pleasure of seeing. Addison hadn't even tried to hide it – which would've been impossible, in any case, she could perhaps get away with a scarf when doing rounds, but it would have had to go as soon as she went into the OR anyway.

"Dr Grey."

"Dr Montgomery."

More giggling. Of course, the elevator made stops on every single floor. Just her luck. She was stuck with the bitchy nurses from hell and Mrs Hickey, and the elevator had never moved slower than it did today. On the next floor, Meredith almost cursed aloud when she saw who was going up with them as well. Derek and** Mark**. Together.

What was Mark doing here, anyway? Wearing SG scrubs?

She'd have tried to get off the elevator, if one of the nurses hadn't had the guts to actually hold her scrubs back so she couldn't leave.

There was nothing of the usual Dr This – Dr That as the two male doctors entered. Derek zoomed in on Addison's neck like a bat zooming in on an unsuspecting insect. Addison blushed a deep crimson red. Mark had a wicked grin on his face. Meredith just wanted to die.

"If you wanted to mark her as your territory, why didn't you just lift your leg and pee on her?" Derek asked Mark.

"Who says I didn't?"

When the doors opened again, both Meredith and Addison escaped from the elevator, even though it was obvious neither of them had anything to do with geriatrics. As the doors closed behind them, with the giggling nurses and the objects of their desire safely inside the elevator, Addison sank down on the floor, her back against the wall, hiding her face in her hands.

"That's an impressive hickey," Meredith said.

"Oh God, what have I gotten myself into," Addison moaned.

"Come on, this is the kind of conversation that belongs in a supply room," Meredith said, gesturing towards the closest one.

"Why do **we **need to have a conversation about my hickey?" Addison murmured, but she followed Meredith, although she didn't really know why.

"What's McSteamy doing back here in Seattle?"

"McSteamy? You mean Mark?" Meredith rolled her eyes, and Addison continued. "I strongly suspect I was just on the receiving end of a pity fuck." She paused. "Why are we having this conversation?"

"Because strange as it is, being competition and all, we have a connection. So was it a good pity fuck?"

Addison closed her eyes briefly, and couldn't help but smile a lazy, satisfied smile. "Yeah."

"So what makes you think it was all about pity? We **are **talking about the man who came to Seattle to win you back from Derek. Twice. And judging from the look he gave you in the elevator today, pity was the **last** thing on his mind."

"Derek met him in New York last week. I haven't managed to make him confess yet, but I know them both too well. Derek pitied me, and decided to send me right back into the arms of my ex lover. And me, being the stupid, adulterous bitch that I am, fell for it. It took me roughly two hours to get drunk and end up in bed with him - again."

"The story of my life," Meredith laughed, and Addison couldn't help but laugh as well.

"The threesome at Seattle Grace has just turned into a foursome. Mark's going to work here." Addison sighed. "This is not good."

"I'm going to have to stop taking the elevator."

"Me too."

-----------------------

"Meredith!" She was practically ambushed by Mark, who gave her a swift hug and a kiss on the cheek. They were in the hallway, and she had been silly enough to walk past the burn trauma unit.

She blushed, and hated herself for it. "Mark. I hear you're back in Seattle."

"It's the cradle of grunge, after all. How could I resist?"

Meredith rolled her eyes. "How could you resist indeed. So how's Addison?"

"Glowing, absolutely glowing."

He is always full of double entendres, she thought. "She didn't exactly seem to be glowing in the elevator earlier today."

"She's always glowing to me."

Stunned, she realised that he actually meant it. He's really in love with her, she thought. No wonder he came to Seattle after her. The cocky McSteamy smile he gave any woman between the ages of eight and eighty, which he had given her as well on their first meeting, was never far away, in fact it was still plastered on his face, but his eyes had changed the moment she had started talking about Addison. They had seemed to lit up, his pupils dilating.

"So you're back in the sack with Derek, huh?" Apparently, he wanted to change the subject to something less sensitive – for him.

"No, I'm not. We're taking it slow."

"You and Derek – taking it slow?" He started laughing, and he was so charming, his laughter so real, that she couldn't help but laugh, too. This guy is really dangerous, she thought. He can get pretty much any woman he wants, and he knows it. Yet – **Addison** is the one woman he really wants to have. I could tell even back when we were the dirty mistresses. He was hurt, too. Badly. He is also scary and damaged.

"Yes, we are. Unlike you and Addison, apparently. That hickey wasn't exactly subtle."

"Meredith, I'm a plastic surgeon. At work, subtle is what I do, it's why I'm the best. In plastics we always go for subtle, not LoLo Ferrari. But on my time off, I'm outrageous. All the way."

--------------------

"So, Mark's back." She said, as they lay on his bed in the trailer, she was reading a book, he was doing the Sunday crossword from last week. He was cheating, and he didn't even try to hide it.

"Seems like it."

"So... how do you feel about that?"

"How do you **think** I feel about the fact that my ex-best friend, who stabbed me in the back and twisted the knife around repeatedly in the wound, is back in Seattle?"

"Addison said **you** asked him to come to Seattle."

"Addison doesn't know what she's talking about."

"I think she does."

"Since when did the two of you start speaking, anyway?"

"We have always been speaking. We've talked about surgeries, we have talked about you and other embarrassing issues, and we have yelled at each other, but we have never given each other the silent treatment." She paused. "Derek, please don't lie to me. Let's not start this relationship by lying to each other. Not again. There have been enough lies."

He sat up, and finally met her eyes. They were a deep, intense blue now. They seemed to change colour depending on his mood. Perhaps even hers. "Yes, I asked him to come back to Seattle."

"Why?"

He searched for the right words. She waited, this was obviously very hard for him. "Because he loves her. And I think she loves him, too, she just didn't allow herself to realise it out of a sense of duty to me and our marriage. Just like I did with you." He sighed. "And because I still love her. A part of me always will. She used to be my wife, she was a good friend before we ever got together, and I hope we can go back to being friends when everything calms down. And I love him, too. He's my best friend. If they have a chance at finally being happy together, then having to work with Mark is a small price to pay."

She took his right hand between hers, tracing his veins, then the fingers down to his neat surgeon fingernails. He shivered at her touch, and his eyes grew darker. "Underneath all your cockiness, you're actually a good, sensitive man, Derek," she teased him. He quickly rolled over, pinning her body against the bed, and held her still, his hands trapping her hair on both sides of her head against the mattress so she couldn't move at all. She giggled.

"Sensitive man, huh?"

"When you're not being a Neanderthal, dragging me by my hair back into your cave and keeping my roommates awake at night. They hate you, you know."

"It's not my fault you're loud."

"Yes it is!"

"Yeah, it is." He smiled wickedly, obviously pleased with himself.

"You're so full of yourself."

"I'm a surgeon. It's in the job description." He leaned down and kissed her until they were both out of breath. "Stay with me tonight?"

She hesitated.

He released her, and lay down next to her. "Nothing like that. I'll keep my hands off you, I swear. I just want to wake up next to you."

"Okay. I'll stay."


	14. Chapter 14

He awoke slowly to the scent of lavender. The source of the lavender was spooned against his chest, sleeping peacefully. She looked so young when she was asleep. So innocent. He just lay there, at peace with the world for the first time in... He couldn't even remember. A part of him insisted that he should feel guilty. After all, it was only a few weeks since he had had Addison here, in the same bed, waking up.

Strangely, he didn't feel guilty at all.

Addison didn't smell of lavender. She smelled of ridiculously expensive hair products – in fact, she smelled like a freaking beauty salon.

Okay. That wasn't fair. It wasn't her fault she didn't smell like Meredith. It wasn't really something he could hold against her.

Meredith started stirring in his arms. She was wearing one of his old college t-shirts, it was far too big for her, and it had been washed so many times the fabric was soft, so soft it felt as if it was hardly there against his naked chest. She didn't seem surprised when she opened her eyes and saw where she was, and who she was with. She smiled, a completely and utterly charming smile, tired, with the morning sun lighting up her tousled hair. "Good morning," she murmured, her voice dark and smokey from sleep.

"Good morning," he answered, and kissed her as she turned around in his arms.

Making slow, guilt-free morning love was a new experience for both of them. There was no rush, no shift at the hospital one or both of them had to hurry to work for, no roommates, no secrets. It was just the two of them, the bed, and the morning sun.

Afterwards, as he still lay on top of her, trying to catch his breath, knowing his body was heavy on Meredith's small frame, but also knowing that she absolutely loved feeling his weight on top of her afterwards, he felt more than heard her chuckle. "You just wanted to wake up next to me, huh?"

He couldn't help but laugh, too. He lifted himself up on his elbows, and looked down at her heavy-lidded, flushed face. "I did, Dr Grey. I love waking up next to you."

"I noticed that..." He cut her off with a kiss. "I have absolutely no self-control," she murmured.

------------------

Dr Bailey was the first woman ever on whom Mark's charm hadn't worked. He had tried to win her over, at first he hadn't even bothered to try very hard, he had just assumed that he'd be able to twist her around his little finger in approximately two minutes. That's the way women usually worked, in his experience.

Not Dr Miranda Bailey. She had given him a glare that made him feel like he had felt when he was ten years old and was caught stealing candy. His mother had been furious, and had grounded him for a month. "Stay away from my intern. Stay away from me. In fact, stay away from every single female in the hospital."

"Miranda..."

"Stop Miranda'ing me. The relationships at Seattle Grace are already screwed up bad enough as it is, without you coming in to sleep with half of the staff."

"I have no intentions of sleeping with half of the staff."

"Well, sleeping with Dr Montgomery is more than enough. I have enough problems on my plate trying to get Meredith to work harmoniously with two of the attendings, without having THREE attendings who can hardly talk to each other. You, Dr Sloan, are the **last** thing I need."

Miranda gulped down a few antacids, and left a stunned Mark standing in the hallway.

----------------------

"I hate the damn nurses," Addison hissed. She was furious, not only at the nurses, but also at herself for allowing them to intimidate her. "They have started taking the stairs instead of the elevator, just to piss me off. Today, three nurses were humming "She's A Maneater" – you know, that song? – as they passed me. I just wanted to strangle them."

Meredith laughed. "Oh, they did it to me too, after the persistent erection incident."

They were sitting in the park, having lunch. They had started having lunch together, not every day, but when their schedules allowed it. They didn't really know why, except that they enjoyed each other's company. Now that they were no longer competing for the same man, they found it a lot easier to get along. Of course, their relationship was still a bit awkward. Meredith was, after all, sleeping with the man who was still not her ex-husband, and Addison knew it.

"So are you? Eating him, I mean."

Addison blushed. She looked down, which gave Meredith an even better view of her now partly faded hickey. "No. Absolutely not."

"How can you resist?"

"I **didn't** resist. That's what started this whole mess in the first place."

"But he's so after you." Meredith had finished her lunch, and started eating an apple. "I don't know how any woman could resist him, I mean, seriously."

"Do you want him?" Addison lifted a carefully plucked eyebrow.

"God, no."

"Really?"

"Well, if Derek... I mean, if I had been single... Then I'd never be stupid enough to say no to a night of unlimited passion with McSteamy. Which is probably the reason why the nurses are bitching you, too. You should really put them in their place, you know. You are an attending. Who you sleep with is none of their business. You are their boss."

Addison sighed. "I know. It's just that... When it comes to Mark, I don't feel like one of the best neonatal surgeons in the country. He makes me feel like I'm 17 years old and all awkward again. All legs and Star Wars and braces. And, by extension, I feel the same way when the nurses bitch me about him."

"He wasn't just an affair, was he?" Meredith asked quietly.

Addison didn't answer for quite some time. Finally, she said: "No, he wasn't. Just like you weren't just an affair for Derek."


	15. Chapter 15

"So, you're taking the elevator again?" Mark's voice was close to her ear. Addison didn't know why she hadn't expected him to be in the elevator. **Of course** he'd be in the elevator. The elevator at Seattle Grace was always ripe with the possibility of humiliation.

"Yes, I am. Why wouldn't I take the elevator?"

"You haven't taken the elevator since I came to work here. It's been almost two weeks, and you've managed to avoid me."

She tried to ignore her shaking knees, and she was surprised by how cool and steady her voice sounded. "Avoid you? I'd never avoid you. Why would I avoid you?"

"What did you threaten the nurses with?"

When it came to the nurses, she didn't try to pretend as if she didn't know what he was talking about. She smiled smugly. " I didn't have to threaten them. I just told them they'd be doing enemas for a month if they didn't stop harassing me."

"That's my girl." His laughter was warm, and she could tell he was actually, for some strange reason, proud of her. She wanted to tell him she wasn't his girl, not anymore, but her tongue didn't seem to want to cooperate, and then suddenly she was surprised to find that his tongue was duelling with her tongue, and that her tongue didn't mind at all.

Not one bit.

The elevator reached the next floor, and they quickly disentangled, Addison smoothing her hair, and Mark picked up some papers he had lost on the floor.

"Miranda." Addison smiled weakly.

If looks could kill, they both would've been on the way to the morgue already.

--------------

"What did Derek say when you told him we were going to the movies together?"

"Are you kidding? He didn't say anything at all. He was too shocked, he just stood there, gaping, like a fish. As I left, he murmured something about ex-wives and ex-mistresses and what was happening to the world. Popcorn?"

"Yeah. And a large Coke."

"Diet?"

"Are you kidding? After the day I've had, I deserve my carbs. Screw diets, I need sugar."

Meredith laughed, and bought popcorn and cokes. "So what did you need to talk about?"

"Who said I needed to talk?" Addison shrugged.

"You need to talk. You always need to talk when you say you don't need to talk."

Addison hesitated. "I know this seems really weird, but... I don't really have any girlfriends here in Seattle... You're the closest I get. Which is kind of sick considering our history, I know. I could call my friends back in New York, but they all think I'm crazy who have put up with living in a trailer and moving to Seattle and sleeping with Mark and... They'd never understand." She avoided Meredith's eyes, fixing her eyes on her expensive designer shoes. "It's just, so many things have changed. And I really need to talk to someone who could perhaps... understand. And you were the only one I could think of."

"I'm honoured," Meredith smiled, chewing on some popcorn. Addison was really uncomfortable, she had to try to lighten her up a bit. "If you're going to confess that you've slept with Derek, then I'll..."

Addison laughed, and dared to look up at Meredith for a second before she looked down again, blushing. "I kissed Mark today. In the elevator. Or rather, he kissed me."

"Good for you! Join the club!"

"You've kissed Mark in the elevator, too?"

"No, of course not! I just meant in general. The walls of that elevator at Seattle Grace have seen a lot of lip action."

"Well, it wasn't so much kissing as it was an ambush," Addison murmured.

"Oh, an ambush? And exactly how unwilling were you?"

Addison's silence and even deeper blush were answer enough.

"Addison, do you really want to know what I think?" Addison nodded. "I think you might have something great going on there with Mark. If you'll just allow yourself to be happy. And allow yourself to let him love you."


	16. Chapter 16

_This is the last chapter. Thanks to everyone who has read - and especially to everyone who has reviewed - my story :)_

**Chapter 16**

Life is transient.

One minute you're alive, the next, your heart has stopped beating. Blood stops flowing through your arteries. Your tissues becomes hypoxic. You die. Once you get past a certain point, there is no going back, no reversal. There is a very fundamental difference between life and death. If you've seen death once, you instantly recognise it. All doctors do. The essence of the who and what the person is, is gone. Only the shell remains.

Addison Montgomery had had a very bad day. She had lost three babies and one mother. In one day. On days like these, she just wanted to go to bed, hide under the covers, and hope that there was no tomorrow.

She didn't even have the strength to drive home, she didn't trust herself to unlock her car, get in, and be a safe, responsible driver, like she always was. She just sat out in the rain, outside the hospital, her tears mingling with the rain, knowing that no one would notice that she was crying.

She hadn't heard or seen Mark coming until he suddenly sat down next to her. "Addison?"

"Go away."

"What's wrong?"

"You know – when I was ten, I wanted to become an archaeologist. I should've stuck with my original plan. That way, everyone I worked with would've been dead already. It would've made my life so much easier."

"Bad day at work?"

"Yes."

There was no need to say more. All doctors knew the definition of a bad day at work – it meant that someone died. And it happened to all of them.

"Come on. I'll drive you home."

"I can drive myself."

"Not right you, you can't. And I don't want you sitting out in the rain catching pneumonia. You're coming with me."

------------------

By the time they got to her hotel room, which was the closest thing to "home" she came these days, she was freezing, her hair and clothes dripping on the carpet. He had only intended to come inside for a few minutes, make sure she was okay.

He hadn't expected the full-on assault. As soon as he closed the door behind them, she was onto him, devouring his mouth, pressing him against the door. She was surprisingly strong. For a few seconds, he allowed himself the luxury of tasting her, hearing her gasps, feeling how soft her body was against his.

But he couldn't do it. She was hurting. He couldn't allow her to use his body as a means to feel better, to feel alive. They had hurt each other enough already.

He captured her wrists with his hands, forcing them away from his body, her adept surgeon fingers had already unbuttoned his shirt, separating their lips almost forcefully. She moaned a protest, but even as she did, her shoulders had started shaking.

"Not like this, Addie. Not like this," Mark whispered in her ear, and then she was crying. He held her, waiting for her to calm down, murmuring words in her hair that she couldn't really hear but that nevertheless seemed comforting.

He had seen her broken before. Usually, Derek had been involved – or he **hadn't** been involved, which had been the problem in the first place. But this was worse. Tonight, all her walls came down.

Finally, she stopped crying. He still held her, not allowing her to start feeling guilty for breaking down in front of him. He kissed her hair. "Why don't you go take a shower," he said. "You'll feel better. And in the meantime, I'll get us something to eat."

She came out of the bathroom, wearing just a robe, her face flushed and free of make-up, making her look like a 17-year-old, not like a renowned surgeon and maneater. Mark had been right. The shower had made her feel better, and the pizza he'd ordered, made her feel almost human again. They ate in silence, sitting on her bed, both unsuccessfully trying to ignore what had happened between them the last time they had been in this room together.

"Thanks," she finally said.

"You're welcome."

"Well, are you going to leave?"

"Do you want me to leave?"

She looked down, hesitating. Finally, she answered: "Yes." A pause, slight hesitation. "No." She sighed. "I don't know. I don't know how you make me feel. You drive me crazy. One minute I want to kill you, the next I want to just screw your brains out, and then you say something that's just so... perfect. Absolutely perfect. And it makes me hate you because you make me so confused."

"There's been a lot of confusion between us."

"Yes."

"I was hoping we could get past all that confusion."

"How?"

"Well, my shrink says that communication is the key to any successful relationship."

"Who's your shrink? Dr Phil?"

"No, but I'm sure he's just as expensive as Dr Phil."

"Very funny. Besides, we don't have a relationship. At least not a successful, functional one."

"True."

She refused to look at him again.

"Addison, Derek told me about the baby."

She was quiet for a long time. She swallowed hard a few times. Finally, she said, her voice low: "He had no business telling you."

"No, he hadn't. It should've come from you."

"But you weren't there, Mark! You were in Australia, probably fucking every single hot bottle-blonde Aussie chick you could get your hands on. It was killing me. I was in New York, all alone, with a husband who barely talked to me even on the rare occasions when he was actually home, and pregnant with a baby whose father I didn't even..." She paused for a second, she was at first unable to say the words out loud, "I didn't even know who the father of my baby was. Do you know how that feels? Do you?"

He shook his head. There was really nothing to say. He got up from the bed, grabbed his coat, and left. As he opened the door, he looked back at her. "I didn't sleep with any hot chicks in Australia, by the way. In fact, I haven't slept with anyone since the first time I was with you. I never cheated on you. I'd **never** cheat on you."

He closed the door behind him. Addison was too stunned to run after him and tell him that he couldn't possibly cheat on her - when they had never been together in the first place.

---------------

Someone knocked on his door. Semi-conscious, Mark looked at his watch. 0208 AM. If he hadn't been so tired, he probably would've just ignored it, but he didn't think clearly, so he stumbled out of bed and opened the door to his hotel room.

It was Addison. He narrowed his eyes to shut out the bright light in the corridor. "Addison, it's kind of late..." he started to say, but she cut him off with a finger on his lips. She pushed him inside the room, and turned on the lights, closing the door behind them.

"Get dressed."

"Huh?"

"I need some fresh air. We both need some fresh air. We're going outside."

Again, he was simply too tired to start arguing with her.

-----------------

The chilly air seemed to wake him up somewhat, although he was still pale and looked drawn. She had been too wired up to sleep. There was too much going on in her head. And she was afraid that if she waited until the morning, she'd be too much of a coward to tell him what she wanted to tell him. To ask the questions she knew needed to be asked.

He didn't say anything, he obviously wanted her to start. Finally, she had worked up enough courage to ask: "You never cheated on me?"

She had attempted to keep her voice neutral, but the slight undertone of hopefulness wasn't lost on him. "No, I didn't."

"But I... I mean... You always dated so many women, and..."

"They were so many because I never stayed with any one of them longer than a week or so. And even before you and I... started sleeping together..."

"You cheated on several of your girlfriends back then. Both Derek and I knew it."

"Yeah, I did. But I only did it because none of those girlfriends really mattered to me. They were just... distractions. Pretty distractions, yes, very satisfying and attractive. But that's all they were."

"Why?"

He sighed. "Because I fell in love with you the moment I saw you at the hospital, when I was a second-year intern, on you were there on your second day as an intern. Unfortunately, Derek had been at work on your first day. I had lost you even before I knew that you existed."

"Oh." She remembered back during their internship, how much fun the three of them had had together, all the hard work, all the bars, how much she had loved Derek. She tried to remember any indication, any at all, that Mark had been in love with her.

She couldn't.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"What was I supposed to say? You were my best friend's girlfriend. You got engaged after three months, married after less than a year. I knew I'd lost. The only way of keeping you in my life, of keeping Derek in my life, was denial. So that's what I did. No one knew. Sleeping around provided me with enough physical satisfaction, not to mention cover, to worship you from afar. I was ashamed of myself. I was lusting after my best friend's wife. When I slept with other women, I always imagined that it was you. I've screamed the wrong name in the heat of passion a few too many times. Which was another reason why my list of girlfriends kept growing. Women don't exactly like it when a man moans another woman's name in bed."

She was stunned at his honesty. Finally, all his walls had come down as well. They kept walking, without a destination, not noticing where they were going, or why.

"And what about... the first time we slept together?"

"You were devastated because of Derek. And I was there. I got carried away. Afterwards, I was ashamed to have taken advantage of you, terrified that you'd tell Derek, and scared to death that you'd never want to see me again. But then you came back to me. Again and again. When we were together, I let myself believe that there was no Derek, that there was no guilt. But it always came back to me when you had to hurry out of bed to get home afterwards, always showering before you left so Derek wouldn't smell my aftershave on your skin on the off chance that he'd actually come home at night and **notice**. How you left bottles of your shampoo and shower gel in my bathroom so you'd smell like normal. Do you know how much that hurt?"

"I'm sorry. I had... no idea."

"And if you had known, would it have made any difference?"

She looked up at him, and she could see how devastated he was. Mark rarely showed his vulnerable side, in fact, it had taken her years to find out he had one at all, and even when they had been together after Derek had left for Seattle, he had been careful about revealing his feelings. In hindsight, she guessed it was because she herself had been so hurt back then, so confused. She'd never have been able to deal with this confession if it had come back then. She would've fled. He had told her he loved her, and she had run to Seattle the very next day. Being told he'd loved her since day one?

If he'd told her back then, she never would've been able to see him again. Ever.

Her silence was answer enough for Mark. "And now that you do know... About everything... I know it's a lot to take in, but... please, just tell me what you're thinking. Don't shut me out. If you want to yell at me, just yell at me. If you want to hate me, just hate me. Whatever, just don't turn away from me again. I don't know if I can take it."

They had reached the harbour, looking out over the water. The first early-morning ferryboats were already in traffic, difficult to see through the morning fog. Finally, after a long silence, she answered: "I won't turn away from you, Mark. But I won't turn to you, either. I won't turn to you only because you're **there**. You deserve more, and so do I. Our relationship has always been based on Derek, and what he means to either one of us. He was always there, in the background, the third person in our relationship. If we're going to try, to really try, it has to be just the two of us."

Mark smiled, the first real smile she'd seen him smile in a long time. "So... you want to try?" Somehow, he sounded like a high school kid with his first date, and she found it so endearing, she had to smile back.

"Yes," she whispered. "I'd like to try. But I'm warning you... we need to take it slow."

He groaned. "Slow? The two of us? We'll take it about as slow as Derek and Meredith."

"Did you really have to bring them up now?" she teased him. "Are you thinking about double dates already? Because that's going to be awkward, to say the least."

He stopped her, putting his hands on her hips, bringing their bodies close together, their faces so close she found it hard to focus on his eyes. "A double date? Sounds like fun to me..." He grinned an evil grin, then continued, "Trust me, they're not taking it slow. And we sure as hell won't take it slow, either."

"Oh yeah?" She lifted an eyebrow, teasing him. She knew it drove him crazy when she did that. Sure enough, he tightened his hold of her and kissed her, but not hard and demanding, as she had expected, but softer, lingering.

"We're both totally incapable of taking it slow. But whatever. Let's just take our chances."

Hand in hand, they continued walking.


End file.
